The Exhaustion Has Set In

Laundry. Dishes. Paying bills. Cleaning. Litter boxes. Organizing the lives of four people. Changing the bed sheets. Cooking dinner. Making school lunches. Working full time. Food shopping. Yard work.

My husband has cleaned the full bathroom (we also have a half bath) of this house once. I have been on my hands and knees scrubbing the urine off the floor, the crap stains out of the bowl. The mildew from the tub tiles doesn't magically disappear. The kitchen floor has been scrubbed by me, on my hands and knees, with a hand brush several times. I know that mopping just doesn't cut it every time. Dinner is cooked by me the majority of the nights even though I now work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights, not getting home until almost ten. And sometimes when I get home those nights after standing for NINE straight hours and making small talk and basically busting my ass, I have to make two school lunches. I need to make sure there are clean clothes for the kids to wear the next day. Come Saturday night I am pretty much useless. I can barely drive the 30+ miles home after working all day.

I don't want to complain you see. I just really NEED to. I understand that in order to live in this house, pay my copious bills (that I have brought upon myself), have two cars (which is an absolute necessity) I have to work. I make good money. Now that I am back full time my take home may rival that of my husbands. But I am tired. I am tired of living in a dirty house. I am so tired of cleaning it on Tuesday and coming home to a pig stye on Wednesday. I understand that my husband (who works 6am -2pm the three week days that I work) is tired. I get it. But I am tired of coming home to see everything I have done obliterated in mere moments. I am tired of the laundry overflowing the hampires. Evidently, I am the only one who knows how to carry it to the basement. I'm not even assuming that anyone else would sort it. My husband tells me he doesn't fold it because he knows that I like it done a certain way. It's absolutely true. I want it done correctly, which in my mind is my way. But when there are three very full baskets of clean laundry, maybe you coudl fold a towel or two. I'm just saying....

I feel like the weight of running this household efficiently is resting squarely on my shoulders. I feel like I am becoming a hunch back. I feel like with all the chaos around me I don't see all the amazing things my husband does. It's very easy to complain about the mess. It's all around me. But what I don't always get to see is my hisband taking the kids to the movies. I don't see him taking them to school functions that I have to miss out on because I am at work. I don't see him giving them tubbies and reading them bedtime stories. I can't see the forest for the trees sometimes.

All I know is that I am tired. Tired of picking up. Tired of missing out on things. Tired of only having one day to spend with my family. Tired of feeling like the hired help. Tired of not getting to spend enough alone time with my husband. Tired of not having more girlfriend time. Tired of dwelling on all these things. Tired of trying to figure it all out and coming up short every single time. Tired of seeing life go quickly by, as I stand in a living room, surrounded by toys. I'm just really tired.